Jasper Hale and the Itty Bitty Hat
by UgoHale0413
Summary: Jasper finds a magical leprechaun hat and gets entangled in a war of biblical proportions between two feuding clans of lawn decoration.
1. Boudior Shopping!

This story is under BOTH me and my friend crazy-for-a-gemo-kid's profiles. so CHECK HER OUT! ( not like that ya perverts )

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"But Aaaalice!! I don't waaanna go look for a new…whatever the frick it is!!"

Even when he was whining, Jasper Hale still sounded incredibly dreamy. And even when twitching under countless layers of fabric, Jasper Hale still looked incredibly hot (well, the parts of him that could be seen anyway.) He was sprawled out on their bed, covered in Alice's new possessions which she couldn't squeeze into her already jam-packed closet.

"Oh, but baby, it will be _fun_!" said Alice, piling another heap full of clothes on top of her mate.

"No it won't." Jasper grumbled, pouting (even though Alice couldn't see said pout).

"Jazzie, I desperately need a new boudior and I really really _really_ want you to come with me! It will be like we're newlyweds and need to pick out furniture for our new house!"

Jasper then made an unintelligible noise of protest and squirmed.

Alice crossed the room and knelt down beside the bed. She lifted up a particularly sparkly sleeve and whispered into Jasper's ear. Something that she said made the squirming stop and, after a beat of silence and contemplation Jasper flailed his limbs, sending clothes flying everywhere. He sat up on the side of the bed with a look of anger and submission on his face. Alice sat on his lap, kissed him and said,

"I knew you'd come around." She was grinning as she slid off his lap.

He stood up and walked quickly to the door saying,

"I am still NOT HAPPY about this!"

Alice followed him out the door.

"You don't have to be Jazzie, you don't have to be."

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After an hour long car ride (at vampire speed) Jasper and Alice arrived at a quaint little antique shop that was way off the beaten path. Alice skipped ahead while Jasper trudged behind. Alice called over her shoulder,

"Here we are!" Jasper stopped and looked at the store. In the windows, it had some dusty portraits and odd knickknacks that looked invaluable. As he was about to protest to his miniature wife but she walked into the store. A low growl escaped Jasper's lips as he followed Alice.

Inside the store didn't surprise Jasper. He looked around. He saw bookshelves covered with books that should have been thrown out a really long time ago, portraits similar to the ones that hung in the front window, other stuff that really wasn't organized in any particular way but was thrown about. An old lady with a red shawl covering her head and shoulders greeted him kindly behind the counter. He went farther into the store to find Alice when he found a cat sitting on a bookshelf. He started to scratch behind the little creature's ears when he notices something omitting a green light from behind the kitty. Fascinated by the mysterious green light, Jasper swatted the poor cat out of the way and went flying with a catlike "REEEEEEEERRRRR!" Jasper shrugged and investigated the light

He grabbed whatever was glowing and brought it closer to inspect the odd little trinket. It was a little leprechaun hat that had glitter on it, a gold ribbon that went around it and a golden shamrock on the front. What made Jasper laugh was that the hat was a little bit smaller that a shot glass and shouldn't be in an antique store. Jasper turned the hat and it glowed in the light coming from the window. The light made it look like a disco ball; so naturally, Jasper heard disco music in his head and began to dance like John Travolta.

Lost in the midst of his spontaneous dance party, Jasper didn't realize that Alice had turned the corner, holding a heavy, old boudoir by a single corner.

"JASPER! WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING!?!"

Jasper, looking shocked, nearly dropped his itty bitty hat. A random little blonde girl had popped out of nowhere and was now standing beneath the immense chest of drawers and her eyes were the size of dinner plates. Alice didn't seem to notice, so Jasper cleared his throat loudly.

"OH!" Alice gasped. "Run along darling." She shooed the girl away and she melted into the random shadow that she popped out of.

"Are you done yet Alice?" Jasper whined

Alice rolled her eyes. "Judging by the massive piece of furniture in my hand, I'm gonna have to say yes Jazzie." Jasper looked at the hat in wonder and started to fondle it. Alice looked at the hat jealously because she expects that he looks at her like that.

"So what's that jazzie poo?" She asked as she placed the boudoir carefully on the ground. Jasper's eyes grew wide and his hands flew behind his back. "Nothing…" He muttered suspiciously..

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A/N - BUM BUM BUMMMMMMMMMMM. What will Jasper do with this strange new hat?! WE SHALL SEE!!!


	2. Be Careful Where You Stick Your Finger

a/n – so as you may know I'm not writing this story alone (and I really didn't help at all with this chapter) so check out crazy-for-a-gemo-kid! YAY!

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"LET ME SEE WHATEVER IT IS NOW!" Alice demanded.

_Wow, Alice is being tre bitchy today…I wonder why…it can't be PMS...CAN IT?!?_

"_**NOW!**_" Alice screamed.

"Owwie! My earsies!" Jasper whined "Fine!"

He took his hands from behind his back and showed her the glittery hat on his outstretched palms. He looked like a scared little kid getting caught with a cookie before dinner.

"…Jasper…" Alice rolled her eyes "What the Carlisle…put it down now."

"NEVAH!" Jasper belted into her face.

He turned on his heel, jammed the hat onto his head, and ran out of the store at vamp speed. He had just opened the door when the creepy little blonde girl appeared out of the shadows again. He tipped his hat in her direction.

The girl's eyes returned to dinner plate size and she dashed off down the street.

_Thaaaat wasn't weird at all…_ Jasper thought. He shrugged and continued down the quiet little street.

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That little girl Jasper scared the crap out of wasn't crazy. She ran away because she saw something one doesn't see every day. When Jasper lifted his hat, the teeny weenie head of an Irishman had poked out from under the brim and stuck out his tongue at her. But Jasper didn't know that…

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Somewhere, in a realm very different from our own a teeny weenie Irishman was very, very scared. He was sitting on the head of a strange man and was holding on for dear life. _Jesus, Mary and Joseph! This wee lad can run fast!_

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Once he reached the edge of the forest, Jasper switched into full on vamp mode and began to run. The strange thing was that he was wearing his itty bitty hat and it stayed on.

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Back in the safe haven of his room, Jasper examined his new possession with intense curiosity. He put it flat on his palm and held it up to eye level, his nose touching his wrist. He turned it and watched it glimmer in the sun that fell down in slits from his window.

_It's so preeeetty. You're prettier than Alice, my hattie little friend! Just don't tell her that! Teehee!!_

He overturned the hat and looked inside it. Jasper's eyebrows pulled together in a puzzled kind of face. There was a scratch and sniff sticker stuck to the inside. He squinted his eyes and saw that it was a banana flavored sticker. Cautiously and dramatically, he stuck his finger into the hat and scratched at a small portion of the sticker.

_AAAAHH! _

A thin beam of light had shot out of the hat and blinded Jasper, who had the hat very, very close to his face.

_What the Carlisle?! I'm pretty sure that isn't what's supposed to happen!_

Curiosity provoked, he scratched at the remainder of the sticker. He put the hat brim side up on the bed and there was a vanilla wafer sized beam of light shining on the ceiling.

_I am intrigued! _

So Jasper, being the dumb little puppy he is, stuck his finger into the hat.

_AAAAHH!_

With a loud slurping sound, Jasper lost his hand in the abyss that is the hat. Now, Jasper was really freaked out, so he did the only logical thing he could think of. He stood up, took a deep breath, and began to run in circles around his room like a chicken without a head. Then, his entire arm, followed by his entire torso, was sucked into the hat, leaving only his flailing legs.

"What the Carlisle is going on in…oh God…"

Emmet had walked into his brother's room to find a pair of legs capped off by a sparkly hat carving a rut into the floor. He shook his head and shut the door slowly.

With a loud smack-your-lips-together-to-make-a-popping-noise noise, the hat sucked what was left of Jasper's body into its depth. Upon contact with the floor, a mushroom cloud of green and gold sparkles erupted from the hat and floated to the ground.

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a/n – WOO! I barely even wrote any of this chapter! ALL RIGHT!


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